Post grad

Real life is hitting me left and right and I can't find myself to get motivated. Working for pennies nd nickels not having enough. But realizing that jah  will take care of mall my needs. I thought that life would be so much better once I graduated. It made it more real and I know I must fight to pursue to make something out of myself. I have been living life in lazy lane once I got back to jerz and I realized I need to prioritize my responsibilities. Work hard and be grateful for everything.  

No more Pretending

I have to block my heart, because u see understand me is truely love me. I feel alone in the world to have one to share your trials nd tribulation makes love worth  gamboling. But gamboling has nver been my thing. 'My intervoice tells me to hind away maybe a season or a something will come were i can let u in. But it's not time yet i must stay hidding untill u grown to the man i need. Untill that day coms i will remain hidding. Sheltering myself from pain , hurt, rejection, disappointment and most of from the mister u have become reminding me of my past ever unsuccessful relationship i have had. U represent that pain.  U are the gloomy night that shadows over my night u are the mean spirited demon that fight daily u are the doubt in my head   U now hold a bad taste in my mouth. U are not the sparkle in my eye the joy to my song the sunshine to my sorrows. U are him the evil one in the flesh. U are not him yu are a arrigent self obsorbed jerk. Who only thinks of himself uncapable of being transparent. U are wicked 

Lost

I lost my best friend, confident and my grandmother. I wasn't sure how to handle the lost of the woman who showed me how to be a lady. My heart it broken the one who held me down for 23 years. I will make you proud,i knew that u were proud. I cry because ur not hear your spirt has left the building. Im holding on to everything the memory I refuse failure I am gonna make u smile I swear I won't let you down

When I think about all that we have been through. I still don't get how we got here. Barley able to talk with out fighting. Me and you were soo close I told you everything and I knew that you were the one that I wanted to be with. I'm confuse, do I want this relationship to work?we fight all the time and I can't take this anymore. I use this as my motivation and keep my head in the book and out the clouds. Growth is something I am promoting

The Mask I wear

There is a pain in my chest, I can't help  from sweating feet passing back and forth. I have always pride myself from not taken shit from anyone. But yet here i am, taken ever punch that you throw at me. I have been beating emotionally and mentally, I always knew that I had emotional issue.Exposing myself to a person the good and the bad. know  I am left feeling  out of control while trying to maintain everything. Maybe that's why I had thoughts of ending it all, My cover was expose and I felt bare, open, naked. I am scared shit less,my anxiety is at a all time high. I not sure what gonna happen and that scares me I can only hope and pry that I make the right choices. I act as if that I have time to play around and party and drink heavily, Paul Laurence poem "We wear the mask." is a poem that describes my inner personality.

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask! 

Paul Laurence Dunbar